Little Bill’s Not So Excellent Adventure

This blog is brought to you by the letters TMS. As I would soon learn, TMS did not stand for ‘Taylor Made Soul’ But, for me, Torture Me Slowly”

Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Bert. But, in a strange twist of events, my handle became “Little Bill.”

I am reaching out to anyone who will listen to my woes. The owner of this blog has been kind enough to allow me to tell my tale, and let you know firstly, that I have been kidnapped. I’m being held against my will. Well, I’ve actually been held against many smelly disgusting things over these past months, but more on that later.

It was like any other sunny day on Sesame Street. I was coming out of Mr. Hooper’s store, minding my business, half expecting to get verbally accosted by Oscar when I went past his garbage pail.. When out of the blue.. This half crazed woman who looked like a cross between Snuffy and had teeth as yellow as Big Bird scooped me up, my produce went flying all over Sesame Street, and shoved me in her knock off Coach pocketbook.

It was really dark and smelly in there. A cross between stale cigarettes, vodka and cheap perfume. I was in there for what seemed an eternity. I kept repositioning myself to try and get comfortable and wound up with a tampon poking me in my ass. I was starving, and found a few tic tacs with hair on them, lots of shiny candy bar wrappers and an old piece of gum. Now, I was really in a jam because she put the pocket book down and I got stuck between her pack of cigarettes and a woman’s sex toy that had the letters A D O R A on it. What does that spell? Adora? I never heard that word.

I could hear mumbling and what sounded like typing all day long. Then she picked up the pocketbook and threw me on the front seat of her car. Finally, she took me out, and held me up to give me a once over. She had very strange buggy eyes, and yellow teeth, her hair looked dirty too. Her breath was terrible. I believe we learned the word for bad breath on Episode 205. Halitosis. Yes, that’s it. Halitosis. Mama Mia! It was worse than the bottom of Oscar’s pail. She gave me a strange smile, and I tried to think happy thoughts about being back on Sesame Street. Surely, she would take pity on me.

But, no. That was not to be.

At first, she was pretty nice to me. Took me around to show all her friends. Let me cuddle with her in bed. I was even getting used to her halitosis. Then as the weeks went by, things started taking a turn for the worst. She left me laying in her bed next to that smelly sex toy one day, and when she returned from work that evening, she starting yelling through the house for “Little Bill”. Who on earth is Little Bill? I thought to myself. I wondered if he was someone I never met from Sesame Street that this half crazed lunatic kidnapped also? My six year old mind went crazy with making friends with this Little Bill- and I even dreamt that maybe together, he and I could escape and find our way back to Sesame Street! Or maybe Little Bill even had a cell phone and we could sneak a phone call to Ernie!

I laid there on the bed next to that pink smelly thing that said Adora and realized in horror that “Oh my God! She’s talking to me!” She must have been drinking that vodka that was in her purse! Why else would she call me Little Bill?! I tried to scoot myself under her pillowcase to hide. But, she found me!

“There you are! Look what I got for you! Everyone on TMS will think you’re so cute with these on! I’ll be a hit tonight with these pictures!”

Then all of a sudden, she started wrapping different color beads around my neck! She said they were from the Mardi Gras and Vaggie and Straw had sent them special for me to wear. I had no idea who Vaggie and Straw were, I still think she just thought I was a flight risk, and tried to contain me, by tying me up.

Without much warning she pulled out her camera and started taking pictures of me. The flash was hurting my eyes. Then, I watched in horror as she posted them on the Internet! Doesn’t she know it’s not safe to post your pictures on the computer? Ten minutes after she posted the pictures, I heard her say.. “Ah ha! The hits are coming in now! I’m a genius Little Bill! They all think you’re adorable and want to meet you!”

After that, night after night, she’d perch me on her computer desk, blow smoke in my face, and she and her friends would plot and plan to meet some gray haired man that was famous. She would also say very mean and vile things behind some of her “friends” backs.

Then one night, after I felt like I smoked a pack of Marb’s it dawned on me. I realized I was a pawn in their sick game!  I felt weak!   I nearly fainted!

Most nights my eyes began to bob from the boredom and the sheer weight of all the junk this crazy woman had collected from her friends to put around my neck. She even impaled me with the pin from a button of the famous gray haired man someone sent her! The pain was so bad, but, she sat there with her lips curled over her yellow teeth and her maniacal cackling laugh. When I peeked over at the screen to see what was so funny, I was shocked at what I saw! She and her evil friends were reading some story about all my Sesame Street buddies! It was called Muppet Fuckers! I pray Ernie never ever sees it! Only she wasn’t really laughing at the story. She was laughing at some ugly lady that she called Inky. She told all her friends what an attention whore Inky was, and that the story was just really stupid and insulting to Muppets everywhere. Maybe she did have some redeeming qualities if she thought that about that vile story?

Well, I’m afraid that thought was short lived.

Next thing you know.. I was back in the car, and on my way to a string of concerts. I was hoping maybe I’d see Animal the drummer there. Surely, he’d get word to my friends to rescue me from this hell.

Nope.

It wound up being a concert for that gray haired famous man. I heard crazy lady on the phone begging some man named Stephen to get us all backstage. That didn’t go well. She threw the cell phone and hit me in the head with it.  It knocked me out. When I came to, I was in a hotel room, and they made me drink alcohol and then posed me in compromising positions and took even more pictures of the debauchery! Not only that! But, but.. they took turns stuffing me down their bras, and their panties, and I had to see some of them naked. I tried to think of happy songs, and cookies.

The next night, we all finally got to meet this gray haired famous man. I prayed he’d be my savior.   They introduced me to him, and handed me over to this man very gently. I had to make eye contact with him. I just had too. I knew he’d see my plight if only, he’d look into my eyes.

As it turned out. He was not amused by my crazy lady nor her smelly friends. Lastly, even more unimpressed by me. It was useless. The gray haired man was looking for a way out himself. That much I could see in his eyes. He kept doing a weird head bobbing thing and yelling out “Soul Patrol!” He scared the bejueezus out of me three times when he belted that out. So, I figured, poor guy must be in his own private hell having to deal with my crazy lady and droves of other crazies just like her.

The car ride home was kind of quiet. My crazy lady was talking to herself and calling someone by the name of Bill Will all kinds of bad words. She was angry at him for not paying any attention to her and making her look like a fool in front of her friends. She said something about now her friends will all the know that she isn’t that good of friends with the gray haired man and his band or something like that. It’s kind of muffled when you’re stuffed in a backpack.

But, here I sit. I have to type really slow and quiet so I don’t wake crazy lady up. She has long forgotten about me.  I’ve been sitting at her computer desk for weeks collecting dust and inhaling her cigarette smoke. I’m highly allergic you know.

If anyone knows where she lives- she is holding me against my will! Please someone rescue me from this hell!

I will write more when she leaves for work or she is sleeping.
Bert AKA Little Bill

P.S.

In case someone can locate the crazy lady, here is what I look like now. This is what booze, cigarettes and being forced to commit vile acts can do to a person.

We’ve Hit The Big Time!!

 

 

We luvs us some Idletard.com and Smartie and we are so proud to be featured on their site! They seem to be enjoying TMS’s demise as much as some of us. There has been a lot said about that certain group of Mod’s and how they took over eventually pushing TMS to the point of no return. However, we feel there hasn’t been enough attention given to the Wonderful Web mistress.

TMS was supposedly her “baby” however she was never around, unless she needed attention. She bashed Taylor, even went so far as to call him a “washed up hack” yet she was “running” a site named Taylor Made Soul??? That’s a little confusing. And here’s an interesting little tidbit I found on Idletard….” Adora was always hitting people up for donations. She take their money and shit talk them in her Mod and Admin forums. She came up with a fanstastical story one time about her BFF getting evicted and if she didn’t scrape up the rent within a certain amount of days, she’d be on the street. I’m sure that scam garnered her some nice Christmas shopping money.”  Thanks Quantard for that lovely piece of info.

Now I know I’ll get hit with “you’re just a bitter old hag” comments. But that’s far from the truth. I was never personally sucked in by Adora. I never donated money to herTMS and I never belonged to her little group of minions. I’m simply writing this because I’ve watched a couple of mods get trashed and I don’t feel that they should shoulder all the blame. Sure, they played a part in it, but TMS was not their site. Adora could have stepped in and put a stop to it, but she chose not to. So let’s give credit where credit is due.

And Adora, I heard you don’t like leaving the house. So I thought I’d post a little video just for you, ya know so you don’t get bored. *wink*

So long TMS

 

As most of you know, TMS is closing on Oct. 24th. Some of us aren’t a bit surprised by this at all. I know quite a few people who harbor hard feelings towards TMS and the “MoD Squad”. So I wanted to give them a place to vent and share what’s really on their minds. I’m sure this will be very interesting!!  So, post away.